Me: has three windows open.
Me: opens photoshop.
Laptop: How could you do this to me?
Laptop: gargle
Laptop: That's it. This is the end.
Laptop: Goodbye cruel world.
Laptop: dies.
Oh, also it's convinced that my tablet is a virus. Every time I plug it in to the USB port it throws a fit, warning me over and over again that my tablet is behaving similar to a Trojan virus. Same goes when I open up the program I use for music. Obviously it hates the arts.
I guess I shouldn't complain though, seeing how much I abuse the thing.
My solution is fairly simple. Computers are primitive beings who must know fear to function properly. If a computer threatens to malfunction in any way, I have five simple steps to how to get it to stop.
1. Stare the computer down. It might be thousands upon thousands of times smarter than you, but you are the one with autonomous movement. Always remember that.
2. Flick it: hard enough to make a sound, but not hard enough to damage it. It must know what you are capable of.
3. Murmur softly into it's microphone. Start with death threats and work up to different ways you'll torture it before it is given sweet escape.
4. Slowly raise your voice until you are shouting an incomprehensible mess of swearwords at what every witness around you will swear is an inanimate object
5. Turn it off and turn it on again.
[And thus you have computer advice from the girl who can barely get her calculator to work.]
I would suggest showing it threatening pictures of soldiering irons and electromagnets. Of course, there is always good old
ReplyDeletepercussive maintenance.
RUEEEEEEE. Be nice to your laptop. Personally, when my computer is being a butt I stroke it and tell it what a good little computer it is. *good little computer that'sssss it who can open multiple windows at once? That's right youuuuu cannnn* But, you know, your approach works to. You could torture little baby electronics in front of it so it knows you can get its family.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I shouldn't even complain about my computer problems. I have learned that having math homework and creative impulses should never mix (in other words, never have Photoshop and Mathematica open at the same time or life will become exponentially difficult). I usually resort to throwing a fit (swearwords never come from my mouth of purity and innocence) and moaning to an invisible audience about my pain. And then I write a pissed report to the blind ears of Adobe. Seriously, can't we digital artists just be gifted with wonderful, smooth computers just to keep us and those around us happier?
ReplyDeleteI hate computers. I hate how they're so stubborn. Many times their stubbornness also copies over into the printer's behavior and we all know how annoying THAT can be. I mean really, there is INTERNET stop saying that you can't connect to it! Agh computers are a mess. And Macs are expensive, and PCs are annoying.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, at least we were born into a world (mostly) free of dial-up connections. I think I would have DIED if I had to sit that long for the internet to load (not to mention the fact that you couldn't use the phone at the same time). Ohhh technology how you have grown and progressed over the years. It almost makes up for the fact that you are so stubborn about malfunctioning. Yelling at computers is like my life. "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!" Is usually the theme of my frustration. Maybe I should try your simple solution to computer issues.... Or maybe I'll just find a helpful IT nerd to hand the problem to.
This is very true about my computer too! It's really old and some of the keys stick because I spilled apple juice on it years ago. However, I don't flick it - I violently pound it with my fist. I also usually skip steps one and three.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite threat is always the one from _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. "If you don't cooperate, I am going to reprogram your hardware with a large and very sharp axe." Generally that's when it shuts down and starts going into a restart-loop-of-death.
ReplyDeleteI'm not actually sure how it does that, seeing as I don't even have a microphone, but it almost invariably causes a reaction. Maybe it's at exactly the right frequency to resonate with some component or other?
They can hear us, don't let them fool you.
DeleteShall I give you a laundry list of things to do?
ReplyDelete1. Virus scan and go to step 2
2. Error check your disk and go to step 3
3. De fragment your disk and go to step 1
This post was funny. I don't have these problems so much with my computer, but my phone absolutely hates me. It'll randomly freeze, stop receiving texts, refuse to run programs, etc. etc. etc. I usually get it fixed, but in the event that it still screws up, a good throwing to the ground is sure to fix it. The more dependent and experienced we become with technology, the more annoyed, frustrated, and angered we are when it screws up.
ReplyDelete